My phonebook in my cell is full of contact numbers but strangely, i can never bring myself to call anyone when i need someone to talk to. During those times, i always felt like throwing my cell to the wall.
I don't get bullied in school, I smile to everyone, I talk to everyone who talks to me, teachers are ok with me and I don't have any enemies. My school life doesn't sucks. Actually it's pretty ok.
I'm not a person who enjoys gossiping with others. I'd rather finish my assignments when others are busy passing on the hottest gossips and rumours. Usually, when others sit in circles and begin their endless stories, I would not join in even when they beckon me to. After refusing to do so for a few times, they got it and never invited me for their chatting sessions again.
It's not that I face problems talking to people, it's just that sometimes I think there is no need to tell others about certain things which they do not have to know about me or others and for me to know about others too. So, I only talk about necessary stuff with others.
When you just talk about necessary stuff to others you tend to be kinda left out and detach yourself from others. You won't know others personal stuff. That's the reason why I can't relate myself to anybody or find it hard to trust anybody. I find it hard to talk to others when I don't trust them. Eventhough it is just something mundane, it feels weird having to talk to someone who you don't really know.
I have issues with this 'to trust or not to trust' thing. Maybe it's the side effects of having bitches as friends from elementary school till secondary school. Getting backstab is already a norm to me. So is having the whole class not talk to me. I know how does it feels like when everyone you completely thought were your friends stop talking to you and start saying nasty things about you. I know how does it feel like when you know that you are the least liked in your group of friends or that your friends find you a pain in the back and will be more than happy to shake you off.
The solution that I found to prevent this from happening to me again is to not trust anybody completely or let them get too near me. However, it doesn't really make me happy.
All I have now are ex-classmates, schoolmates, roommates and 1 friend maybe 2. Maybe 2 friends because the rest are not my definition of whom I would like to call friend. They are merely people I know. Sounds mean, but friends to me are people I trust completely and can always count on.
Not everybody I talk to or laugh with are what I consider friends. However, I'm happy to have them in my life. Eventhough I don't consider them my friends(someone I trust completely and can always count on) they do add happiness to my life. I know others may have different definitions of friends compared to me.
My relationship with my family are fine. Bottom line is, they don't understand me when they think they do and we are not really the type of family who shares everything. Don't get me wrong, we don't communicate well but we are not a broken family.
So here I am, alone.
I may not look lonely on the outside but on the inside, I'm terribly lonely.
Grey - alone
